In the mean time

To understand the vast significance of fleeting moments, is an important realization; to be able to pause in a fraction of time, and take in the profundity of an ephemeral experience – to have it wrap around you, and to feel yourself within it, and attempt, eagerly, to integrate these moments into the ongoing revelation of a larger experience. There is no doubt that fleeting moments can often have immeasurable depth.

But this is something so often found retrospectively; to look back upon what is gone, and to know what role it played in the larger story. It is difficult for anyone, in the moment however, to wish to be a fleeting experience..it is difficult for a feeling, wanting, sentient being – to desire to be transitory, and short lived in the life of someone whom they have come to care for.

I am tired of being told that in a small fraction of time, that someone has been better for knowing me, and then had them leave. I am sick of being something wonderful, but transitory, by choice. The emotions that I invest in those around me, are significant for me. I want someone to feel that the now with me is a gift – and give back. I love compassionately – with space, and freedom and an understanding of the dark side of attachment; with the knowing that I cannot – should not - seek to control, or impose unwanted restrictions. I have become adept at dealing with time's perpetual movement; I have become talented at dealing with change through painful practice. And while I do not want to prevent people from leaving, what I want – what I crave, and am yearning for, is to have someone hold me...and tell me that with the unknowing of what the future will bring, there is an immediate desire to be unequivocally here, for as long as they can – and with the continual replenishing that comes with the active imagining, and faithful hope – in the possibility of tomorrow.

It is in being able to bear witness to the power in ephemeral moments – the power which comes from the sense of how precious and fragile the existence of the present is, and with the tragic understanding that the present is always threatened by the continuance of change - that it is to feel completely alive and at peace with the tremendous significance of the now. It is diving into both ethos and pathos with both feet – into a moment that you know will not ever occur again. It is not, and it cannot be, seeking out ephemeral things; or wanting – hoping – for our experiences to be, purely fleeting. For without committing to a moment there is no magic; only the repetitious seduction of superficiality, by choice but without conviction. When things are wished only to be temporary – they can feel incredible, but the ubiquitous unimaginable richness of what it really could be is lost, by the seeking of not only the beginning – but simultaneously, the end.

I have been able to feel depth in moments that were a very fraction of my life; impacted by mere minutes, or forever changed by a few days. But there was not one moment of my life that became memorably wondrous and beautifully profound – that I walked into without the hope that it would last for as long as it could. The most precious experiences of all – were those when I actually wished that time, for just a second - could stand still; knowing, that it could not.

I will never expect people in my life to last forever; but I will love fully, and with sacred regard that impermanence necessitates focus - attempting not to take the gift of now for granted. Time does not wait for us to impart upon it meaning. And although it can be bestowed upon it later, how preferable it is, to be able to give it meaning at the time.