Sadistic Dreams

This place, tonight, feels hollow. I tripped over a toy and miss my dog…I found a book of yours and thought of you.

It is difficult for me to continue to write here…for I know that you may read it, and be assured that I am having a hard time letting you go…despite the movement between sadness, anger and peace; you will know irrefutably that you are missed. For me…there is nothing. Nothing but wondering if you are already more at peace with the distance…that you know now that saying goodbye was for the best. With the thought of you with someone else…I find it difficult to sleep; my heart wrestling with unrest.

I had a dream the other night that you came back – and you curled around me and told me that you didn’t want to be apart; that you wanted to try at this again somehow…to fumble through confusion and start…again. You looked at me , penetrating and sincere, and I took you into me – my darling…my dear…tasting your tongue, and smiling with you again; falling asleep, with my fingers as they used to, gently caressing your ear. I remember breathing in deep – and exhaling hard, as you held me tightly trying to protect me from all the fear. You said, “sleep well my darling…I’ll be here in morning, kid,”

I remember the moment upon waking, that I realized that it hadn’t been true. A single tear dropped to my pillow...remembering that you were really gone…and the body beside me wasn’t you.