Break it Down

I wonder who this person is, that has challenged a person whom I have come to love. I have been reflecting on my feelings surrounding this curious exchange. The assumptions from words…and in anonymity…create interesting illusions; evoking a myriad of emotions. But let it slip. Let it fall. The deconstruction of a seemingly simple tale…is never so simple at all.

The “things in me” no doubt were seen… by some of the kindest eyes that ever took the time to look…the attributes discovered in me, reflected in the palpable joy as precious as the one who sought…to notice. There was a significant sense of wonder in the laughing moments between us, in the commonalities so special and rare, and it was because of the beauty of those moments, that the magic began in me – inspiring the irresistible want, and the deep desire to care; for I could have listened to your music for so much longer…I never grew tired of hearing you sing - You moved the quiet song within me also - No, it is not the feeling of being done wrong, but rather acknowledging the experiences between us you said were similarly special, that makes your absence sting.

To sully the time with resentment…to believe with disillusioned eyes that all of the exceptional fondness was disingenuous would be to tell a most damaging lie; for I do not believe that I could come to love, a person so dishonest, or intentionally unkind. That is never who I saw when I gazed into your eyes...or when I really listened. The pain that surrounds me is not sanctimonious judgment - but rather real and intense loss, of someone I truly believed to have shared with something unique and rare…someone whom I can only believe when he says he was not ready…who was wonderful, but wonderfully unprepared...someone whom I will continue to feel for, and with the misfortune, that with my love I only scared.

The pain is in the wondering…what it would have been like if he were ready; wishing that he might have been able in the face of mystery, to have known himself well enough to want to kneel in the sanctity of splendid, vulnerability. You cannot truly miss something that never existed; and essence is not remembered with sorrow if it not exceptionally beautiful; missed, with a profound ubiquity. Although I feel that it ended much too soon, I will never consider that all of it was empty, nor deem it insignificant or untrue. I just wish it had been something that despite causing fear, could have inspired the desire to hold me; that I could have meant that much to you.

So please, if you don’t feel your own pain… please do not feel mine. If you didn’t want me enough to stick around, come back...or even change your mind...know that whatever it is that I am feeling, for what it's worth and what it was at the time, if you don't want or miss me...I'll move forward. I'll be just fine.