Strange Tickles

An Intentional Lack of Poetry…

I feel quite done with the angst. For now anyway. I’m in such a strange mood today…and can’t quite get - at it. Every time I hear Van Morrison I want to bite flesh. “Strangeness” is tickling me in outlandish places. I wonder if I spin around in circles, if things will straighten themselves out? Still waters may run deep – but they also can go torpid after too much time. I want to jump into this mud puddle like a torpedo…in brand new white under-things. But, I am just going to inventory…because unless I do that first, all creativity is doomed to be exceptionally banal…notwithstanding, extraordinarily confusing.

1) Yesterday I got mail from someone new; someone interested in my “potential” – in the dating realm of “potentiality.” Exiting the shell of anonymity and pseudonyms, I was shocked to find out that he shares the very same name as someone that I have already been with. Now, that’s just fucking weird. And we’re not talking years in between these “they;” this would be immediately consecutive (for the most part.) I don’t think I can date him if only purely for this reason. I think it would be a catalyst to craziness in my subconscious.

Besides, for the sake of clarity – it would involve something like the Kindergarten methodology of differentiating between the vast number Scott’s and John’s. I am not sure that I want any of my past lovers to have the first letter of their last name, necessarily attached to them. Scott B. and Scott P. always had to remember to write the B dot and P dot on their name tags….and I felt sorry for that. It seemed to point a finger at a potential lack of authenticity…a slightly more onerous demand than the others to have to distinguish themselves. For a short time there were, in fact, actually two Scott P.’s in the same class – which just fucked things up entirely.

2) Three days ago a potentiality that had been in the making turned out…disastrously…and truth be told, it was actually not disappointing. Not that I enjoy judging things under a relativistic lens, but sometimes finding out that someone has a neurosis which bugs the fuck out your own neurosis, makes you want to hug and squish all the friends you have…the ones whose neurosis get along with yours just as well as the rest of you.

3) I saw someone special to me, whom I’d thought that I would likely not see again. It’s true. I thought this for a while; maybe… if my polarities didn’t inadvertently balance. I went to get my underwear back. Interesting, it’s still there. It’s interesting to take note of the fact that although occasionally there is dissonance between rampant expectation and reality - that when the clash of emotions and resulting drama of a summit moment has reached it’s last standing ovation - when it all has been processed, and it has all settled down…suddenly, (deep breath) there in the peace is a place where there are just...no expectations at all. I’ll just as easily give as much – or as little - to someone, as they can give to me in return.

This upcoming year, will be the “Year of Reciprocity.” Fuck January. This is my November Resolution.

4) My dear, sweet, amazing friend from “Far Far Away” is coming to visit soon. I cannot adequately express the anticipation. This is a relationship that is different than any that I’ve ever had…it has the very best and most beautiful flaws…and is absolutely, perfect. It takes niether anything away from pre-existing dynamics nor future pending pairings…and seems to exist, in an entirely different dimension.

5) Last but certainly not least…I have a new enigma of a person "out there..." He kept me up very late last night, and made me smile at least 57.5 times…it is fucking wonderful to meet lovely new people. I must say that I am looking forward to meeting in person...

(oh and I have decided to actually a cook feast of a dinner tonight...(yah, yes - I have. yes...shut the fuck up. I'm serious) I have determined, that because I love food - and I do, love food, that I must invest more in making it...and making the time for it that it deserves. It's part of the new reciprocity endeavor.)